This was an email I sent to mom and Ania. It was in response to mom’s offer to help us pay for things like food and health insurance as a result of the shitty financial situation we’re now in…because of me and the strain Optimus placed on us.
I really appreciate your willingness to help us. I really do. We spoke about it on the way home and decided not to accept the offer for Amex and health insurance help. This is our mess (mostly my fault) and we have to deal with it. Knowing you are there for us though is one of the only saving graces I have right now. Please don’t leave us.
She is filing for the Medicaid thing and the food stamp thing. It’s not easy, of course – nothing is. And it makes us both sick. But it’s what we need to do to be able to survive this. And I know we’ll probably need your help again at some point anyway.
Never in a million years did I see us in this position. I take the responsibility for my actions and feel like I completely obliterated our lives and our family in the pursuit of a dream. Something I felt was the right thing to do to bring ALL of us to new heights. To get you never to have to worry about work again. To give Ryan opportunities that we never had. To give Ania a chance to enjoy success. To leave a legacy that our great grandkids will be proud of.
Why am I not seeing ANY glimmer of that after everything I’ve done?
I know you say to keep the faith. And I’m trying. I really am. But between the continued dead ends with Footprints, KITT, All Service, and now Optimus over SUCH a long time, how much longer can I keep ‘believing’ when the universe is not giving any sign of hope that we’re even on the right path.
Even ounce of me just wants to give up. I am weak. I am depressed. And everywhere I turn more bad shit keeps coming my way. What did I do to deserve this? Have I not proven my strength? Have I not proven my ‘worth’ in this world? How can I succeed when I have nothing left to give?
Anyway I’m just rambling. My point to this email – thank you for your offers of help. I don’t know where we would be without you. You are our rock. Stay strong for us Nana. Love you.