I’m not a writer. So this is hard to put into words. Perhaps writing this will help me alleviate what’s pent up inside me right now.
This summer…this year…these past FEW years…have been the shittiest of my life in turns of my feelings. I have been in a depression that just gets worse daily. And honestly I don’t know what to do anymore.
Most days Ryan is the only joy in my life. He’s the only one who makes me smile. No one else adds joy, and I have no interest in talking to anyone either. Mainly because I know most people could care less about me or my life. They’ll pretend to listen, but they don’t care.
Sometimes I find myself just wanting to live on an island. Ryan is the only reason I stay. I just want to be alone. Life has gotten so complicated. I don’t laugh anymore. I barely smile. I’m always quiet. I’m a different person now compared to five years ago. I realize that. And a lot of it has to do with my feelings towards Ania and the way she makes me feel like an inadequate parent.
Almost every single day this summer, I try to give Ryan the tools necessary for life. One of those is to take care of his responsibilities. Do his school work. Eat. And just do what needs to be done before it’s play time or before he goes to play with his friends. And yet every time it’s a struggle. He doesn’t want to do it. He complains and keeps making matters worse. It gets me boiling inside. I want to scream.
My approach, and my belief as a parent, is that if I tell him to do something, he better do it. But Ania has a completely different philosophy. She believes he should talk about his feelings and come to a compromise, or just do HALF of what he needs to. She is so fucking concerned about keeping her zen. And I honestly try very hard to do it HER way first by trying to talk with Ryan. I try to help him understand the reason why my request is important, and I try listening to him as well. But it gets to the point enough is enough. DO what I’m asking you to do please!
And that’s where Ania starts getting pissed at ME. When voices are raised, she shuts down. Or she intervenes and tries to ‘coddle’ Ryan by coming up with another solution (e.g. instead of eating the breakfast I made for him, she’ll say let’s just do pasta). Because she believes during Summer there apparently aren’t any rules. Just have fun. Because how much more time do we have with Ryan at this age?
Let me stop and say I DO understand where she is coming from. I do like that Ryan is getting more comfortable talking about his feelings. And I do believe summers should be about having fun. But give me a fucking break. Asking my son to do 10 minutes of school work, or to eat his vegetables at dinner if he wants dessert, should not be causing this much aggravation.
She gets pissed at me for every little thing. Almost daily now. Within 90 minutes of getting out of bed, I’ve done something wrong. Or something she doesn’t approve of in parenting. I walk on eggshells every frigin day. God for bid I try to be a parent or speak my mind. God for bid I have to raise my voice to my 8-y-o son because I just want the best for him.
I get the feeling she resents me as well. She wants to do her work. She wants to make her meetings. She wants to have her alone time. But despite the fact I gave her open invitations dozens of times to do ALL of that, I’m not specific enough. She says for the benefit of the family she is putting all of that stuff aside. And yet hear I am – I do EVERY SINGLE THING around this house. I cook, clean, vacuum, do laundry, maintain the cars, maintain the yard, try to grow a business, and countless other things. And yet she gets pissed at me at the very thought of letting Ryan do his own thing for an hour or two while this shit gets done.
I look at myself as a miracle worker. I get up before 9 everyday this summer. I do a ton of shit in the morning while they sleep. They get up and I alwayis have breakfast ready to do. I try playing with Ryan throughout the afternoon and evening when he’s not with his friends. At night I try doing to more work on the computer. I’m in bed around 11 or 12:00. This weekend I’m staying all day Sunday to spend time with the family and my cousin Athena. I’m then going to drive through the night 7 hours to Erie to get pipes installed on Optimus.
That’s just an example. The days vary. But the same cycle continues. Everyone wakes up eventually, I manage to piss someone off within 90 minutes (many times without even saying a fucking work), and the rest of the day goes to crap.
I’m tired of it. I’m sick to my stomach. This is not the life I envisioned. I look at myself as one of the best dads and husbands in the world. I do what I can for my family. And I have never met or known any man who can say they do half the shit I’ve done.
And yet it still isn’t enough. There is still always something wrong with what I do.
Ryan – women will absolutely destroy you. Things will seem great in the beginning. But over time, their emotions and hormone imbalances will make you wish you never married them. They will make you feel inferior, and will find fault in every single thing they can. I don’t tell you this to scare you. I don’t tell you this to thing of dating men instead. I just feel like I need to warn you of the life that may lie ahead. Trying to co-exist with a woman, even the love of your life, may one day become a nightmare that you just want to escape from.
I love you Ryan. You are the reason I continue to put up with this bullshit. I hope you are 10-times more of a man than I ever will be. Maybe that will be enough to keep the spark in the connection between you and your future wife.