Ania This was a letter I printed for you and left behind our wedding photo hanging up in the stairwell hallway on Sept 2, 2017…our 12th wedding anniversary.
My feelings on this day – Sept 2, 2017 … 12 years later.
I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll just jump right in. This marriage thing isn’t what I thought it would be. Everyone always leads you to believe the good times will outweigh the bad. We were so strong once, long before marriage. We were unstoppable. We laughed at nothing, smiled at everything, and genuinely looked forward to our future when one day we would be living together forever. And that day finally arrived back in 2005 when both of said ‘I do.’
Guess those times are the honeymoon phase everyone talks about.
But now the honeymoon has ended. As the years went on, life took over. So many obstacles, challenges, defeats, hardships, work issues, family issues. The list is never ending. So many things contributed to our downfall. It wasn’t just one. But I realize the harsh reality my personal actions have now brought us to. A reality that neither one of us expected, nor wished for.
A reality of broken hearts…nonstop tears…broken trust…and an uncertain future. A reality that shattered the feelings you once had for me. A reality that will forever change our story and the friendships of the people around us. A reality I wish didn’t exist.
I know what I did was wrong. I know you’ll continue to have questions. I know there is nothing I can say that will completely restore your faith in me. I know the woman who depended on me the most for everything now feels robbed, hollow, empty, and defeated. The woman who longs to have those “honeymoon moments” again feels cheated and like life was a lie. And feels like she’ll never again feel those special moments of joy when she looks at me.
I know…because I have felt (almost) the same way.
I am sorry for not communicating better with you. I am sorry I didn’t look at you or kiss you enough. I am sorry I failed at being the husband I promised I would be to you. I am sorry for destroying your trust in me. I am sorry for giving you a reason to question every memory we have ever shared. I am sorry for hurting you. I am a coward, and I am sorry for not being honest during the hysterectomy. I am sorry for the pain I have caused. I lost all faith in us. I lost all faith in what it meant to be happy. I lost my entire soul and became a shell of a man who simply went through the daily routines of trying to do everything I could to make your life easier and happier.
Despite everything that has happened, I never stopped loving you. I look at you and you still have a sparkle in your eyes that tickles me inside. You have a passion for life that is infectious. You have a belief in God and the universe and the angels that inspires me to want to believe. You have a positive outlook for us…our future…together…and fought for us when I had already checked out.
But I was never checked out until late in 2016….when so many failures led to so little support. When all I felt like was a failure who kept making sacrifices and trying to make a better life for his family. I knew you needed me. And I kept telling myself we’ll be there soon. Just one more week or one more month and we’ll finally be over this hump.
A hump that ultimately never went away.
Ania…I am glad I met you. I am glad I fell in love with you. I am glad I married you. I am glad and thankful for every memory we have shared. Even in the recent years when I was on this ‘downward spiral’, the memories we created together were still good ones for me. Our day trips, outings, adventures…they were always fun. Please don’t question those moments. Because those are the only moments that kept me hanging on, hoping for a better tomorrow.
And now I feel like that ‘better tomorrow’ is finally here.
I am typing this while listening to you watch Transformers with Ryan. You laughed a little. And I know he is enjoying this show with you, just like he enjoyed watching Knight Rider with me all those years. I am not, nor will I ever, try to compete for the ‘#1’ status. Ryan is always number one. Ryan is my joy just as much as yours. And on this anniversary day, I am reminded of the love that first brought him into this world.
It is my hope, Ania, that the two of us find peace. That we continue to date…and go on dates with fewer tears. That we continue to make time for each other. That we continue to stop life from taking over. That we constantly remind ourselves of the value we both bring to this marriage. I have come to realize that we can still be successful together even if we’re not financially where I thought we would be by now.
Ania – I am not trying to buy time. I am not jumping (back) into this with one foot and the expectation that we are ultimately doomed, and that history will repeat itself. I do believe we can succeed in our marriage. We can relive those honeymoon moments again. We can smile at nothing and laugh at everything. We can be goofy. We can kiss for longer. We can explore our ‘sexualisms’ more. We can continue to fall back in love with one another. We can once again remember what it felt like to fall in love all those years ago. We can do anything and be anything…together.
So on this day, our wedding anniversary, I simply want you to know that I have no longer given up on us. I have no longer ‘checked out’. I am committed to making this work. To building up your confidence in us once again. I will proceed with caution, because I know the more time that passes, the more you may realize that I am not the one for you. Which is why I’m ready to do what I can so neither of us lose faith in our incredible partnership…our marriage…ever again.
Love you Ania. Happy a-day. I hope at some point you will smile at the thought of what was…and what it still can be.
P.S. I didn’t proofread anything. So if it sux or doesn’t make sense, my bad. My brain is fried