This was a letter I wrote to her after admitting to the details of my affair with Aisha in early 2017.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know where our story ends. Perhaps it already has. Or perhaps we are writing a new book. I don’t know if there is anything I can ever do to make you whole again, just like you probably don’t know if you’ll ever find ‘the real Joey’ in me again.
Elizabeth predicted it. I was a train on a collision course. She tried to stop me. My angels tried to stop me. But I wrecked. And my family was in the passenger seats. And for the rest of my life, I have to live with the reality that my family has died because of the decisions I have made and the wreck that has ensued.
Yes – her and I had a short term relationship. Neither of us knowing where it would lead, neither of us having any expectations from the start…but both of us finding comfort in having someone who listened. Someone who made us both smile again. Someone who made us look past our problems and see that ounce of self-worth. Like a drug, she became my addiction.
Today I told her I needed space. That I could not continue down this path. That I have to try and fix what’s been broken for the sake of myself and my family. That I have to see where these conversations between you and I would lead. So that in the end, even if I end up alone with nothing but my thoughts and four walls…which I am fully prepared for…I can at least tell Ryan that his daddy tried. I tried to make things better. That I did not give up on us and the dreams we once shared. But even though I was too late, that he should never stop trying to fight for the one he loves.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. Despite everything that has transpired, you need to know that I never stopped loving you. I just lost that love. My well was never refilled, and thus had run dry. And I realize yours did to. And for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for draining your well and never filling it back up. I am sorry for taking all the hopes and dreams and love we once shared and crushing it into oblivion in a matter of 24 hours. I felt driven away…pushed away…but I realize nobody forced me to make the decisions I have made. With that dry well, I desperately kept looking for something (or someone) to fill it up again. Footprints, Optimus, her. Anything or anyone that would compliment me and just make me feel like I was somebody who mattered. Somebody who could succeed.
I chose several paths over the years that have all led to failure. I failed you, I failed mom, I failed our friends, and I failed my family. I will never live that down. I cannot ever face your friends again. They are now your new family. They are no longer mine. I will forever be the outcast in their eyes. When you invite me to see them, I will respectfully decline. Yes – perhaps I am a coward. But no more than you say you’re naive. Even if we stay together and somehow find a way to make this work, I am prepared for a life where we must still live some of it separately. That we are now independent of each other. And again for that, I am sorry.
In here you will find the ring you left with me in Toya. I am committed to trying. I am committed to our son. I am committed to being your partner in life, together or separate. I do not expect you to place this ring on your finger ever again. I have no expectations of a bright future together with a happy ending. But should you feel the urge to sport a symbol of the love we once shared, I want you to have it. And if you decide to wear it again, I will notice it. I may not say anything, but I will see it as a sign that you wish to continue this journey together to see where it may lead.
I love you Ania. I never stopped. Maybe one day we can rekindle that love we both shared once before. In the meantime, because of my actions, we are both hurting. We are both fighting. We are both crying on the outside, and dying on the inside. Neither of us knowing if we will come out of this hole together, or not at all. But even if I don’t make it, I know you will. Because your spirit deserves to see whatever remaining beauty the world has to offer.
Your partner in life…and daddy to the most amazing boy in the universe…Joey