So it’s only been about a month and a half since Nana (mom) passed away. And though it seems like Ania and Ryan are doing a little better with each day, I am still deep in sorrow and perhaps even depression. I honestly feel like I am frozen in time. Like my entire life just hit the pause button on November 25, 2020. No matter what I do or try, I can’t get past this darkness. This sadness. It’s like it consumes me. I can’t stop thinking about what happened. The phone call from Ania when she first found Nana in the bathroom. The scream coming from her. The anxiety driving 80MPH to her house in the hopes I could save her. How Nana looked when we saw her. How cold her body was when I touched her. I just can’t get past it. It’s haunting me.
What makes it more difficult is that I have nothing to look forward to. Because of this fucking COVID pandemic that just won’t go away, I have nothing with Optimus. No trips. No opportunities. Nothing. Nothing with Footprints. No new business. No purchases. Nada. Ania and Ryan won’t even let me go anywhere. And all I want to do is get out of here. I just want to drive. I don’t care where. I just want out. I feel like I’m going to explode here. They won’t let me breathe. And I get it. I understand why. I understand we all need to be here for one another. But I also need to take care of myself. I also need to just be alone. How can I do that when I can’t even drive somewhere without them either coming along or checking on me every 10 minutes.
I found myself feeling anger. I am legit angry. I can’t stand seeing other people’s lives go on. I can’t stand everyone online showing these smiling photos or the good things happening in their life. I can’t stand it. Once in a while people will message me to check in. But I have absolutely zero interest in talking to anyone. I just want to be alone. I’m tired. I’m drained. I feel like my life is going nowhere despite everything I’ve tried doing to boost it. I try each day to find positivity. I am making am All Spark for Optimus in the hopes it will give me strength. I am learning a Transformers -themed piano song to hopefully make a video in memory of Nana. I try to stay somewhat busy beyond the legal bullshit of settling Nana’s estate.
But it’s really hard. I have nothing positive to look forward to. Of course I get that I have my health. I have Ania and Ryan. I have some people who care about me. But in my present state of mind, it’s like I don’t care. I just want to be left alone.
I guess this is just part of the grieving process. I was not prepared for this. It happened to suddenly. She wasn’t supposed to go. But I guess it was her time. Sitting here writing this I just want to burst out crying. I miss Nana so much. God I miss her so much.