Ania sent me this on Jan 2, 2017….
Joey – My wish for us is that in 2017 we find ourselves. We have lost ourselves as a couple and as a family. We don’t speak to one another, we speak through or at one another, if we even speak at all. You may not mean it, but what we feel is anger in your voice. We both hear you and your comments, those you mumble under your breath. On a flip side, you have me, who is shutting down and barely talking. And in the middle, you have one sensitive and emotional child that all he truly wants is time with us. These moments of him actually wanting to be with us will not be here forever. There is nothing I can do for you to see that but I know deep inside the moments with Ryan is what you treasure the most. Yes, I am sure you have many thoughts on how I am with Ryan. Yet, this is all I know to do to keep all of us together, glued together, somehow as a family unit. As you question what I do or say, all I can say is that my whole existence is to keep the family as happy as possible, by putting everyone else ahead of me, and trying to get through this until we are not drowning anymore. Just like your world has totally turned upside down, I am not quite sure you are aware of how it has affected me but more importantly Ryan.
My wish for me is that I cry less this year. This was supposed to be a year of things turning around. Yet less than 48 hours into the year I have already broken down a few times. I have not told you how much your words hurt me. You have never spoken to me so angrily and harsh as you have in the past year. I realize that last year I stayed quiet and did not speak up or tell you when I was sad or upset. One goal for myself for this year is to speak up and be better at communicating. Please don’t argue with me by yelling at me, scolding me or talking to me like I am a child. Joey, I am empty inside and sad, unsure of who I really am – I have lost myself among my choice of being it all for both of you to keep the household going regardless of whatever came our way. I need you in our life. I miss the things we would do together. I have never loved you more, than the love that came out of this challenging year. You make me LAUGH when I didn’t think I could – and then all is better. You inspire me with how you have handled the challenges, how you keep fighting for what you believe in and what you have invested your heart into. I know that what you do is for all of us, you put so much of yourself into everything that you do. I just wish you keep in mind that in the end, your family just needs YOU, time with you, just you. I would like to trade in my coupon from last year for ‘game night’ add beer/wine and your popcorn and maybe your potato chips thingies you make so well. Maybe we can all play the Goosebumps game or something like that.
Don’t forget you are LOVED and are our world. Your wifey
PS – update – this was written earlier today – tonight was perfect. Loved the time we had together